FOOTBALL IS SO GAY: A Flaming Homage to the NFL
by Cassie Peterson
Is American Football The Ultimate Elevation and Celebration of Hetero-Patriarchal, Alpha Masculinity?
OR?
A bunch of queens squat humping each other for three hours?
YOU DECIDE….
Football is one of those cultural phenomena that is so attached to an idealized, hyper-masculinized Straightness, that it’s busting at the seams with latent homosexuality. G-A-Y! The following VERBATIM excerpts of commentary (you can’t make this stuff up!) were collected during Superbowl XLVI…
ENJOY!
It looked like he was going to run right up the middle but he dumped it to his tight end instead.
First they strapped up in leather.
You just know, he’s feeling nervous… he’s never done this before.
They took a shot at him and all of a sudden they get a face full of that…
The outcome of this all depends on the positioning they go with.
Two tight ends did something extremely unconventional and made it work.
They really need to get their shoulders down and get an arm around the waist.
There are so many loose balls…
He should stay behind and get a good view of that one from the inside.
I can’t tell if he was “touched” early on.
He got swallowed whole by a bunch of blue shirts.
He got buried on that one with the double team.
You can tell, he really wants to avoid the fullback….
(Uh oh, everyone… It looks like another “fisting” penalty.)
(And also, ummm, Flagging… hello?!)
The tight end ran right up that gaping hole in the middle.
He’s a tailback, but he really plays more like a powerback because they really need a big powerful guy inside.
Moore put his hand in there and next thing you know, uh oh, trouble….
….He opened up into the hole.
They must be warming up some beads just about now.
(HEY QUEENS!)
When you get someone backed up like that, they really can go either way.
…. Whoa! That was a big one!
(Then, Madonna plays the half-time show… naturally.)
He gets his hand on the ball and then it’s “game on” from there.
He’s taking his sweet time now. He’s got the right tempo. He’s going to take this one all the way.
Safe Sex Public Service Announcements: That last play really backed up the front line and caused the safety to cut back.
He’s got Woodhead in man-to-man coverage.
They’re going use the dime package here.
You don’t have to get it all on this one.
He’s facing so much pressure in the pocket.
Now they’re going with a three-wide package.
They have got to double-team him. Make him pay.
It’s 3rd and inches now. That’s huge.
You can see the double crack, right there.
He one-hands it and it works!
He could have settled in the hole, but he decided to run instead.
Now, he’s gonna wanna stay on the perimeter….
It’s a beauty here at the finish - He looks down the middle of the line and “cums” late.
